If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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