i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
