Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
