I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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