i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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