I am midnight drunk by noon
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
