I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize