The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
