Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
