Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
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