Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
