Don't make out with my wife yet
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
