hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
