her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
