I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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