There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
