Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
