and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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