I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
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