does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
