why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
