Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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