Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
