Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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