I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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