hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
