Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
