Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
