Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
