I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
