I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
ok first of all what the fuck
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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