Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
