Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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