you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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