4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
