JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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