Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
as a side note pls kill me
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize