Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
