i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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