I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
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