well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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