Ambien. No doubt about it.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
