whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
