I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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