Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize