Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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