there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
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