jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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