you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I can't put those talents on a resume
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
