Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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