no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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