i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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