I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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