I am in a vortex of obligation.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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