Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Congratulations! We have a period
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
