Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
