what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize