I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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