Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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