Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
